my family

[snowydevil]

just split up...and i have no idea what will happen for christmas

its really sucky...right now my dad has to live with my uncle about an hour or so away, but that may only be until the 15th...if it doesnt blow over, it could take up until june...my mom is really difficult...and my boyfriend has his family stuff, my brother is up in BC...i just want a normal christmas



does anyone else have to deal with difficult families on christmas?

[MHooch]

I'll be willing to bet we ALL have had to deal with difficult family stuff over the Holidays. In my family we've had divorce, custody issues, ex-wives, ex-husbands, single moms (and dads), grown sons mooching off of parents, drama queens, step-kids, step-parents, deaths close to the holidays....it's a regular soap opera!! All I can say is, hang in there...try and do some things that make YOU happy, and keep the spirit in your heart. Blessings to you and yours.

[GreenElf]

Well said MHooch, yeah snowydevil, I find when things are hard they seem so much harder around the holidays. I have been there on occasion and every other time of the year but for myself I find that as getting a bit older I learn to deal with feelings and try....even though it is hard... to find some light and happiness because as for difficult times being more difficult around the holidays, happy and fun things even more so too...around the holidays. I don't know how much help this is to you but please this is a place where you can come and share you thoughts and feelings as I am sure just about everyone hear has had times of difficulties and may have something to share or if you just need to vent and someone to listen. Best wishes.

[EvilMel]

My family (mom, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins) is pretty much a nightmare...all together but arguing and just generally talking really really loud. I guess I should be happy that they are together this year...last year there was so much arguing that they wouldn't even come to thanksgiving or Christmas together.



Also, my grandmother, whose house we used to all go to, now has Alzheimers and has gotten to the point that she's not recognizing us very much (but she's really good at faking it). Last year, right after my aunt gave her a present she absolutely dogged it out to her (because she didn't remember that my aunt had given it to her). So that's pretty weird.

[Dudley]

I work in a mental hospital. I have lots of stories and experiences about DIFFICULT HOLIDAYS.

First of all, there is no such thing as a NORMAL holiday..feel better already?

I mean, think about it. You are suddenly thrown into a room with people you'd like to wrap your hands around the neck of on a nice day, shoot outright on a bad one..and everyone is supposed to smile and get along. The cousin who only listens to Marilyn Manson is suddenly NOT supposed to go TOTALLY psycho listening to Julie Andrews. Your Mom, who all year only opens up cans of soup or defrosts vacum packed meals is supposed to come up with a five course turkey dinner. Children who only wear jeans and track pants are expected to wear a suit and tie and LIKE it..

You are dragging a TREE into a living room, finding and using delicate heirloom decorations and you DON'T think you'll get freaked?

People who for the rest of the year are usually cranky pants are going to be nice for one day? Forget it. maybe two hours. Tops.

Accept the fact the dinner will go wrong. People will fight. Relatives will toruqe you off. Then remember this; one year, we had an admission. guy brought a 12 guage shot gun to the table, announced everyone was 'worthless and weak'. Gramma gets up, slaps him, and says;"Winslow, sit down..." He blasts a hole in the ceiling.

Confusion. Tears. Cops. Scandal.

He comes to us. We are taking him to the ward. Now, my policy is that you never talk to them on the way to the ward....promise them anything to get them into the ward, Disney World, a date with J. Lo, but don't bring up what got them there in the first place.

We're with a rookie who turns and says;'Why would you DO that Winslow???' And I turn to the rook and give him my 'that's just the stupidest thing, you could ASK Cochise..' look of distain. And Winslow turns to the rook like he's simple or something and says:'Don't you think some of your relatives DESERVE that??'

I look back to the rook and say:'he's got you there...'

Okay. We are all people. We are weak and do silly things and get hacked off and let our own egos get in the way. But after doing this schtick for as long as I have, I am also convinced, most folks are good and just want to come together as a family..before the dinosaurs head to the tarpits, before those cute little ankle biters start wearing black all the time and buying crystal meth. You;re there and they are there because they WANT TO BE..as crazy and stupid and twisted as families are, you feel better when you are together even when you are fighting.

Keep your eye on that central truth.

Or, you can wind up like that one family. Mother in law and daughter in law pulled out guns and blew each other away. They tell me the fight was over who would get to use what turkey stuffing.

This isn't a joke.

so ask yourself..is this fight that I am about to get into really worth gunfire? Or them being hurt?

Usually the answer is no. And if they are as big a butt head as we have in our family sometimes (think about this..sometimes I am seen as the calm cool QUIET family member..) chances are they aren't going to change their minds anyway..try and get some pleasure from making THEIR holidays happy...it'll make you feel good..

It might even be close to the spirit of the thing..

[EvilMel]

okey dokey then.



That's pretty severe...but I guess I see what you are saying...when you get the urge to argue with your family just ask yourself if it's worth it?

[GreenElf]

Well that is some sobering truth there Dudley. I suppose you have a inside look to much the general public never get a chance to see. Reality is hard and can be a rude awakening sometimes but when it comes to light it is most likely the time it was most needed....and for me it was deep and harshly refreshing. Thank you. It is better said now so the rest of the season, all the roller coaster ride of happy, sad, frustrating, and dysfunctional moods and situations...the focus is still clear family is family and family can be where you find it. Life is like a winding train track on a crazy steep mountain...and I just try to focus on staying on track so I can get to a much more level ground...eventually...

[Dudley]

Wow.

Severe? harsh? Sobering?

They thought I was being a cockeyed optimist here. They thought that my message was john-denver-rocky-mountain-high sappy. 'Here', by the way, is work. The story of winslow is one of our most treasured laugh getters..thought that would get a giggle.

No? Dang. For some reason, the idea of him standing at the table gritting his teeth and venting his spleen usually is a two handed thigh slapper.

I was trying to bring hope to this.

Let's try again.

A lot of folks this time of year put THINGS ahead of loved ones. As long as you go along the lines of Green Elf here, who is happy over seeing PEOPLE, or good ol' Hooch who is using the things to bring happiness to people, you can't go wrong. it's the people and the season and the message of love you are going for. Usually making it and keeping it simple is the better way to go. forgive. forget. try and accomodate. and please, don't do it like some of the doorknobs in MY family who take a deep breath and say (to your face):"Its only for the holidays that I put up with you.." You can find that common ground, sometimes.

do you really want to die over a turkey dressing?

Neither do I.

On the other hand, how about the rep that you actually LISTEN?

[GreenElf]

Oh I hope I didn't offend you Dudley, I was being sincere. I think it is good for people to point out how real and serious reality can get and it really makes me appreciate what I have and who I have in my life thats all.

[Dudley]

no, no, honey child. no offense taken. none. I just sometimes FORGET what is funny to ME and some of my co workers might send others to therapy or at least fuel for nightmares.

and what you said makes total sense. you are on the right track and cherish the right things, in my opinion. I have relatives that make the christmas trains run on time, who do everything Martha-Stewart-perfect, who stack the toys in the house LITERALLY KNEE deep, and I was there with another relative once, and this other relative really didn't breathe until we left, and then they threw on Lynard Skynard and said;"Man, it's good to be NORMAL again.."

it's about the love. you have it right seeing that brother being a father, and I have it right building a pinata from scratch every year for the kids because I want to, and because I love to see them bust it and be so happy and watch the cool stuff come out..and listen to my relatives gas on and on about;"If I was president.."

crazy, man...

[Snow-flake]

I miss my grandparents so much at Christmas.



I grew up with a big extended family, we were this family that spent every Sunday together eating Sunday dinner at the dining room table at my grandparents home.



My grandparents had this house that looked like it was out of Better Homes and Gardens, with a indoor swimming pool, and I loved being there.



My Grandma lived for Christmas, she loved it...and it is shocking why, because her mother was killed a few days before Christmas, when she was only 12 years old, her mom was going across the street to get some water, and her dress got caught on the back of a car, that had slowed down , so they could say hi to the driver, and she got caught and pulled under the car....so my Grandma lost her mom at Xmas, she never ever let that stop us from being happy at that time of year. She would get nervous and didn't want people travelling around the 18th, which was the day my great grandma died.



But....I loved Christmas as a kid, because of my family. Now...all my grandparents have died, my Aunt died of a brain aneurysm when she was in her mid 50's, and my Dad died of brain cancer a few years ago, and my life is so different now.



But, my mom now lives with me, and I have a son, and I don't have the huge extended family that I had, and loved so much, but you gotta move on. I have created a new family out of my friends, and I love them so much.



You get 1 life, and you can't go back...so you make every moment count, the best way you can, because everything is what you make it to be.



If people make you miserable, then don't go around those people, find friends that are positive and upbeat and aren't going to drag you down.



It is very hard, and I feel bad for anybody who is alone around the holidays.



I always invite people to our home, because I never want anyone to be sitting by themselves on a holiday. That is why suicide is such a common thing around the holidays.



For me personally holidays have given me so much happiness, that's why I look forward to them so much....I can't imagine not celebrating them, but I do know that holidays are not everybody's favorite time of year, and that makes me sad for those people.



There is alot of stress around the holidays, and people forget what it really is about.



I do miss my grandparents, and it makes it even more real at the holidays when my memories of them are so positive and I wanna see them again, so that's the part I actually do struggle with at times too, but you can't do anything about it, but it sure does stink, that my grandma never got to meet my son.

[Snow-flake]

Dudley-The thing I found to be the saddest and most right on thing you said...was how people act all nice at Christmas, and not the rest of the year.



That is my #1 gripe about the holidays...is either people put the holidays down, and complain about how much money it is costing them, and they never had a decent Christmas as a kid, and they never got nothing...and they can not leave it alone...or they act like jerks all year long in their regular every day life, and then they wanna be all fake nice at Christmas.



I don't like either kind of person.



I think Christmas cheer should last all year.



(Hey, that rhymes...what do ya know. )

[Dudley]

I'm pretty sure it's one of the couplets from THIS TIME OF YEAR by Brook Benton...

that was beautiful, snowflake..reminds me, I have to find a watering hole for Baby Brother and I...we get together for the holidays in early Dec., usually Italian, you aim for the atmosphere of good cheer they have at Michel's in THE BISHOPS' WIFE... and my son and I are going to let my daughter in on a cool chinese place that serves up the biggest bowl of beef noodles you ever saw...we only get the MEDIUM and we're stuffed..I'm thinking about getting the LARGE size, and the grand daughter involved and let her stand on the table and wolf down as much as SHE can in a full frontal attack..

..Deck the harrs with bloughs of horrey...

[Snow-flake]

I am totally confused by that one.

[Dudley]

Okay...

cheer/year, are the words that also rhyme in THE TIME OF YEAR by Brooke Benton, checked it out myself on the way home...playing christmas stuff going to and from work keeps it nice and laid back..a plus..

Now, my Baby Brother and I get together about every six months and solve the problems of the world. Usually at a really good Italian restaurant..so we do it in summer and at Christmas.Our spouses used to give us a lot of gas about doing this, that it WOULD COST TOO MUCH MONEY...or that it WASN'T A HOLIDAY THING AND SHOULDN'T WE CHANGE IT TO A HOLIDAY THEME. and I would always come back that it was never the wrong time of the year to have a great lunch with people you love...it was making the spirit work all year. So, I'm watching THE BISHOPS WIFE, with Cary Grant and Loretta Young, and he takes her to this place that looks like the Italian restaurant that we hang out in..and I turned to my ex and said:"See????"

thing is, this year, I have to find a different place. They are remodeling during our usual week.

Now, about three years ago, I got the son one day for a professional develpment day. We didn't have a LOT of cash to work with, it was before Christmas, but he was HINTING that he would like to get in on the lunch with his uncle and I, or start one of his own lunch christmas customs with me..now our Italian lunch was a week away, but I remembered this great Chinese place just down the road from work..great noodles, waitress looks like Sheryl Crow, and you get a 15 per cent employees discount. And like I said, it's a WOMPASS serving of noodles, and we stuck with medium. So we did chess that day, and hit a few used book stores, and did this lunch at the noodle place..and over the years, it's become a thing we do at the holidays, and now that my grand daghter has gotten REALLY big, we are thinking of including her Mom and her, and letting her run amok on the noodles..I'm guessing two plates, and she's done..

the last line is from A CHRISTMAS STORY, where they go to the Chinese restaurant after the Bumpkiss hounds make off with the turkey. My son and I usually sing that to each other at the place at least once...